On Being an LGBTQ+ Parent in the Media with Eliecer Marte

In this episode of "Out with It," Jaymes Black converses with award-winning journalist, author, father, and podcast host Eliecer Marte. Eliecer shares his journey of coming out and becoming a parent while navigating a career in journalism and living in the public eye. Together, they explore the challenges and triumphs of being LGBTQ+ individuals in the media.

Family Equality is creating a world where everyone can experience the love, safety, and belonging of family. As the leading national organization for current and future LGBTQ+ families, we work to ensure that everyone has the freedom to find, form, and sustain their families by advancing LGBTQ+ equality through advocacy, support, storytelling, and education. Learn more and support our work today!

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Transcript

Jaymes Black (00:09):

Hello, outspoken changemakers, and welcome to Family Equality's Out With It, the podcast where conversations are raw, insights are bold, and the mission is clear: To foster a society where justice is non-negotiable and equality is the norm. I'm your host, Family Equality President and CEO, Jaymes Black, and I think it's time to come out with it.

(00:36):

Today on Out With It, I'm excited to be chatting with 12 time Emmy-winning journalist and GLAAD award recipient Eliecer Marte. Eliecer is a bilingual journalist who embodies the essence of storytelling with passion and purpose. His journey into the world of journalism began in his native Dominican Republic, where as a child he would ingeniously transform his grandmother's garage into a makeshift television studio, captivating friends and neighbors with his innate talent for hosting. Driven by his childhood dream, Eliecer earned a double major in broadcast journalism and economics from the University of Miami. After graduating, Marte began his career in radio and television in New York, where for over a decade, Marte dedicated himself to serving the U.S. hispanic audience as a national correspondent, anchor and host for leading networks such as Univision and Telemundo. He's the first Spanish speaking journalist to come out as gay. While at Univision last summer, he published his first book, Confidencias: A Journey to Self-Discovery and Acceptance. This summer he's launching a podcast, Daddies On Duty, and last, but certainly not least, in his long list of accomplishments, he and his husband have two children. Welcome, Eliecer!

Eliecer Marte (01:52):

Jaymes, thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate the time to be here, and I think out of that amazing introduction, which I thank you [for] very much, the best part is what you highlighted at the end: that we are parents, that we are daddies on duty. I am so - I am so happy that it's the best title I get to have. Actually, prior to coming down here in this little makeshift — right now — corner that I'm having because everything right now...The house is just baby allocated every sense of the word. I was just telling our nanny that came to help us. I'm like, "Okay, I'm going to be downstairs for a couple of minutes, maybe an hour or so. So just take care of the baby." And I just finished the last feeding right now. Her name is Cataleya. She's four months in two weeks now. So I'm really happy having that experience. And then obviously we have Ethan — that's another journey of itself, and he's going to be five at the end of May, so. Yeah.

Jaymes Black (03:00):

Wow. So we're going to get into that. You are very busy. So you're deep in the throes of overnight feedings and doing all of that. And then you're also in the middle of, he's not terrible twos anymore, he's five.

Eliecer Marte (03:15):

He's terrible five!

Jaymes Black (03:16):

Terrible five, which is a thing. No one talks about the terrible fives. The twos are a thing, but the fives...almost six...They're starting to get their voices and this sort of independence and autonomy, right? Yeah. They definitely have a little attitude, I think.

Eliecer Marte (03:33):

A little? Has a big attitude, I think. Now it's "Everything I want it my way or I don't want it at all."

Jaymes Black (03:38):

Exactly. I can relate. I have 9-year-old twin boys, and we can share stories certainly. Well, why don't we start with an icebreaker? So, I don't know if you're a music lover, but I'm putting together a playlist featuring our favorite songs suggested by our podcast guests. So wanted to ask you, what song should I add from sort of your collection to the Family Equality playlist?

Eliecer Marte (04:05):

You can definitely add Beyonceé. You can add Running, which is a remix by Beyonceé. It's funny because it's a song that is not that new, and I recently started really jamming into it for the last couple of weeks. As I walk to work or I'm on the treadmill, it's Running. And you can add El Regalo Más Grande. I can send it to you via email by José Feliciano, that's his name. I'm pretty sure I'm saying it right. If not, I'm going to confirm. But El Regalo Más Grande means the biggest gift and El Regalo Más Grande was a song that I fell in love with a long time ago, and that song would always talk about the biggest gift. And to me, when we were in the process of a journey to becoming dads to Cataleya, I posted Christmas of 2021, a picture with my husband and I just captioned it El Regalo Más Grande, hope to come soon. We just [were] manifesting that we wanted that gift. So when we announced that we were expecting Cataleya, we used that song as a background to the announcement, and I actually talked about it on the book, how this song is El Regalo Más Grande because of Cataleya. So you can add that into it. It's in Spanish, but you can Google translate it to see what it means...

Jaymes Black (05:29):

I would love to add that to it.

Eliecer Marte (05:32):

And, I can definitely tell you more details about it, and I can tell you the singer and the writer — the songwriter — as well, to make sure that I do have it right and correct.

Jaymes Black (05:42):

Yes, please send that to me. I would love to listen to that. And I love Beyoncé just as well. And I don't know what you think about Cowboy Carter. Maybe that's another discussion. We'll have that at another time.

(05:56):

So I want to start with the same question that we ask all of our guests. Obviously, this is a platform to talk about the challenging topics that we don't always talk about in other spaces, so now's the time to come out with it. So I want to ask you, in your experience, what's one thing you wish people knew or understood about journalism or parenthood or pride?

Eliecer Marte (06:18):

Well, when it comes to journalism, I think the biggest challenge is trying not to get your emotions involved in the storytelling. You have to be objective, you two-have to be sided, you have to make sure you're just there to inform. So there are a lot of stories that unfortunately, now that I'm a dad — now that I have kids — it is hard to remove that human side from it. So I've learned that you don't have to remove the human side. As a matter of fact, I think humanizing a story is what connects with people. However, you do have to maintain that balance. But there are times that I'm telling a story and honestly I'm just trying to keep myself together on camera. And when I go off camera, I just break down because I've told stories from....Twins, let's say, I remember a story that I did — the twins that were about, they were between the ages of two and four if I'm [not] mistaken.

(07:23):

They were found in trash bags in the corner of a building in the Bronx. I cover stories where a 4-year-old was found dead because of a fire in his home and so many other things that I don't want to get into because they're tragic, right? We're not here to just talk about that. But I think that's the biggest challenge, especially now as I'm a dad, as I have a family just to see, wow, this happened to so many people and I get to experience that, right? So just the human aspect of journalism and trying to balance that out. It's the biggest challenge. When it comes to coming out as a person or pride as a person. The biggest challenge was finding my voice and being authentic to who I am. It took me years to accept who I was as a gay man, as a gay man working first in the Hispanic industry, which is a very challenging because they always want to keep the macho image of the macho man, and that's the stereotype of how they want to market you and how they want to make sure that you come out on television for. Things are changing now, but still you have that.

(08:38):

You have to maintain yourself as a certain way. So that was the biggest challenge on a personal level and just finding my voice, making sure that I was true to myself, which wasn't something that just happened overnight. It was a process, and I believe that it was in 2019 when I decided to come out and that I got married, that's when I really started being authentically me in all type of ways on camera, behind the scenes at meetings. And I think that's what's important right now.

Jaymes Black (09:11):

Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. I want to get back to coming out, your life, and growing up in the Dominican Republic as a young person. Probably also going through this process of self-discovery even before you came out. But what I want to comment on and just say that when you talk about being a journalist and the stories that you have to tell and how you have to be objective in the human aspect of it, you pointed out something that I don't think that we realize: that journalists have to have the strength and mental fortitude that I don't think that we understand. Everything looks so effortless on television when you're telling the story and you are there in the studio or wherever you are, and it's like, wow, there's this aspect of strength that you have to have when you have to report the news as it is or as it's needed to be reported to inform folks like me. But I don't think we often think about the mental fortitude that you have to have as a journalist when you are reporting on stories like those children. And now that you're a father, I can't even imagine the connection to stories like that has to be even greater than before.

Eliecer Marte (10:20):

Yeah. A friend of mine — actually one of my best friends — he told me, you should usually have one of those sessions once a month that you get to speak about how you feel. Get a professional, a mental health professional. That's another thing. We really don't talk about mental health much, and there's always the stereotype of mental health and "Why do you need help if you don't have any mental issues?" But my friend told me, just so I can answer your question real quick — because of what you do, you should find someone that you can talk to. Not me, not as your friend, not your husband, just a professional, because you see so many things — and especially after the pandemic of the Coronavirus pandemic. I mean, I work in New York City. This was the epicenter of the COVID-19 pandemic. So I was literally broadcasting with people dying next to me.

(11:10):

Remember how Central Park turned into an emergency hospital because of the pandemic? I saw it all, and I had to interview so many families. But just last week I did a story on the migrant crisis in New York City, and how this is affecting children. When you have children selling candy, selling snacks in the subway system on the streets here in New York City, and you have kids that are newborn — one...one-year-old babies that are being carried in their mom's back just like you see in Latin American countries, and they are in the subway system just exposed to danger. So here I am interviewing these families that they have — they trust me to tell their stories. First of all, it's hard for them to tell the story on television knowing that they are undocumented. They are afraid of something might happen because of that. And I remember all of them agreed to talk to me saying, "I will talk to you, but just make sure you don't put my face or reveal my identity."

(12:18):

I'm like, it's okay. I just want to know your story. So, I had to do that. So, I had the family side — the mother's side of the story. Then, I'm going to speak to the mayor or to the deputy mayor in New York City, so they can give me that side. And then, I see I'm witnessing also how police are telling families to move from the subway system, to get out from the streets, from sidewalks and not to do that. So, it's like you have all these different elements within a story. So, you have to be strong mentally and [be] able to tell the story and somehow just not let that affect you. But there's so many elements that are involved when it comes to storytelling that people don't understand sometimes.

Jaymes Black (13:09):

Yeah, I don't think they realize that journalists are storytellers, and I've always had a respect for journalism, but in the short time that we've talked about what you have to report and just the strength that it takes, I have a new respect for journalism. So thank you for everything that you do. I want to talk about life in the Dominican Republic as a young person and — not coming out because that didn't happen until later, but — my assumption is that you had some feelings about being different. Most of us do as we're young and growing up, and we feel a little different than our peers even before we come out. It's almost always with us, right? Tell me a bit about this machismo culture that is really prevalent in Latin American culture and how you navigated your upbringing.

Eliecer Marte (14:05):

So, I always knew I was gay. I mean, that's not a secret to me now, and I actually wrote that in my book. I always knew that I liked men. However, I just knew that it was something at that time, I thought it was something wrong. I thought it was something evil. I thought it was something just — you name it, that's what I thought, illegal evil. I was going to go to hell and all that stuff. Why? Because first of all, I grew up in a Catholic environment. My family's very Catholic. And also when it comes to society, especially in a country like the Dominican Republic, you don't want to be [seen] as the "gay" of your neighborhood or you don't want people to know that you are different because you are afraid. You're afraid of the family, how your family is going to react. You're afraid of how your neighbors are going to react, your community.

(15:04):

And also because even though things are changing now and things are different — things are more open. I mean, I was born in 1986, so I lived in the Dominican Republic until 1996-97. So I lived there until I was 11 [or] 12, let's say. So back in the nineties, it's not like now. So, it was way different. And so I always knew I was different. I had girlfriends because that was just what society told me. "You have to have a girlfriend. You have to bring a girlfriend to your brother's wedding. You have to bring a girlfriend. You have to like a girl." Because that's just how it is when you're a little boy. Since the beginning. They're like, they tell you, "Oh, you're going to have a lot of girls because you're handsome" because "What type of girls are you going to like?" And that's one thing I'm learning, and I've learned now as I'm a dad, I don't tell my son or I'm not going to tell Cataleya...

(16:02):

Let's say my son." Oh, so what type of girl are you going to like?" or "Leya, what type of boy are you going to like?" I'm like, "So who are you going to fall in love with? Make sure they respect you, make sure they value who you are." So obviously those are things that now I'm going to put into practice as a dad, going back to the Dominican Republic, it was me just hiding who I want, who I was, because I needed it to fit into society and fit in into the values of my family and my culture as well. So that was that process there.

Jaymes Black (16:36):

And I appreciate you sharing that because I don't think people understand for a little Black and brown boys how difficult it is to exist in that culture and navigate childhood, which is already monumental in itself to navigate the waters of childhood and to be a Black or brown boy [or] girl, and to have to navigate in addition to who you are with this culture that does not allow us to be who we really are. It's really difficult, and I appreciate folks like you telling those stories because we need to hear more [of them].

Eliecer Marte (17:14):

I can give you an example, and this is something that I also talked about when I wrote my book. When I was a little boy, I lived in an apartment building. So we lived on the fourth floor, and there was a gentleman that lived in a floor below. Let's say, I'm going to make it so obvious, but my mom would always go and say hi to that gentleman's mom. I always wanted to say hi to his mom, just like my mom did. But I did it because I used to love the way that man hugged me. Mind you, I was a little boy, but that hug was just more than a hug. We felt there was something there. So when I tell you that I always knew I liked men, that I was gay. I always knew about it. However, I had girlfriends, but me having girlfriends didn't take away what I was feeling towards men. Even as a little boy, I always liked being hugged by another guy or just being close to another guy. But those are things that I had to literally put aside, lock it in a closet and try to forget by having girlfriends. So it goes to tells you, it's a little side story, but yes, that's how growing up...

Jaymes Black (18:33):

Yeah, I can resonate with that. I remember telling my dad as we continued to talk about my sexuality, and we started to reconcile, and I said, I've known this since I was in kindergarten, and he said, how would you know that? But to your point, we know, I don't know how to explain the knowing, but it is a knowing. We know. Yeah. So, let's talk a bit about you coming out. And so I'd love to learn more about your experience of coming out as a journalist on a Spanish-speaking network. I mean, tell me how did that feel? What was the sort of a catalyst to you deciding to do that?

Eliecer Marte (19:13):

So this was definitely a process, right? Growing up, I always knew that working in television would take more — especially back, I don't want to go back in this because it's going to sound like I'm 70 or 80, but I started television in 2007 when I graduated from the University of Miami. But prior to that, I already knew how this industry was, especially in the Hispanic industry in the United States. If you are a guy, most likely they're going to market you...The whole idea is that you have to be appealing to the Hispanic women that are going to be watching you and just being a great storyteller or journalist, a host is not going to be enough. There's marketing behind it. So I already knew that. They always told me since I was in college, if you come out of as a gay man, it's going to ruin your career.

(20:12):

The Hispanic audience is not ready for that. The people that watch Spanish television is not ready to see a gay man as a main host telling a story. They're not going to believe you. They're not going to like you. They're going to shut you down. So I always already had that here. It was always, "Okay, I cannot come out." So once I started working my way up on television, the Hispanic media in the Hispanic market, I first worked for cable. Then I got into Univision network. The whole idea was you can't say that you have a boyfriend at that time. You can't say that you're gay because the whole thing is that we want to make sure that people like you for who you are, [how] you look, not just the way you work basically. So the people that were in charge of my career or those that were the people advising me in my career, making sure that I was going the quote "right way," — because now I say quote "right way," because that wasn't the right way, at least not for me. They would tell me the steps that I had to take that including not coming out. So things that included, for example, if I was walking on a red carpet, they would ask me, "So where's your girlfriend?" I would go, "Oh, she's at home. She couldn't make it today." If I was going to an event, "So where's your girlfriend? When are we going to see her?" She's like, well, I don't put my private life in there. There was always a fabricated answer to that question, but then I grew up —

Jaymes Black (21:41):

So you had to make up stories? You had to make up stories to say your girlfriend wasn't there?

Eliecer Marte (21:44):

Yeah. Well then as I'm growing up and I'm like, what's my meaning? Oh, mind you, I started my career doing entertainment news because that was the first job that I got. However, when I was doing entertainment news, even the producers and the executive producers were like, you are such a solid journalist. You will be a better fit into hardcore news, human storytelling, because that's just who you are. And that was always my passion. Even when I'm doing entertainment news, I like the human side of the celebrities. I'm not into the gossip, into the scandals and stuff, but that was the job that I had. So because I was working for the entertainment side of television, that was also another side of the story that it was entertainment. So you had to be more appealing, more sexy, let's go and be...I was selected among the 25 most beautiful people of People magazine, things like that, which helped me in my career, and it's something that I am raised and I'm very thankful for.

(22:46):

But then there were some things that were in the back of that that I had to hide once again. Where's the girlfriend? What type of girls do you like? Those were the questions. Then came in...2018. Then — I transitioned from entertainment to hardcore news in 2016. So in 2018, I'm going through this, I would say transformation of my life, and I'm like, why do I feel like I'm a hypocrite? I'm a hypocrite because I am not who I am. Why am I telling the stories of other people? People are crying when they're talking to me. I'm suffering with people that have just lost loved ones and I'm going through all these major events of society, but I am not truthful, not even to myself. So it was so disturbing. I was not at peace with myself. It's like when you have the little angel on one shoulder and then you have the devil on the other shoulder is like, I was not at peace with myself and by something, it's not right, and this doesn't feel right.

(23:51):

And I was like, and I know what it is. I can't continue doing this and say that I'm a voice for the voiceless when I don't even have my own voice. I can't do this no more. So I was like, "This has to end." My husband is not into the public industry. He's a very private man that unfortunately got exposed after my coming out process, and he had to deal with that. That was something that he had to deal with, and I'm thankful...And I'm always thankful of him because he was able to support me, and he was dragged into this without asking. So when I came out in 2019, I was literally going through that process that I was talking about. I decided to post on my social media a picture holding my husband's hand just or hands and saying, 'This is who I am."

(24:42):

"I am such and such." It was a beautiful message and next month I'm getting married. It was just like that. The company that I was working for, I had told 'em, "Listen, I am doing this." They wanted to— this is how — and this is when I was like, "No one's going to have control over my life." They wanted because of the quote, "They wanted to protect me." Maybe they had the best intentions, but I don't think it was the best way of doing it. They basically wanted to write for me what I had to say or how it was going to come out. And I said, no, because you don't feel what I feel. This is me. And I'm sure if a heterosexual employee is going to say, "I'm going to get married next month," you're not going to write for that heterosexual employee what he or she is going to say to announce their wedding.

(25:33):

So why do we have to do it for me? So that was the conversation that we had that day at work. So they kind of were like, oh yeah, he's kind of right. But I really didn't care whether I was right or not because — or how they thought if I was right or not. I just care about what I was feeling and this is my life, and I have to take control of it, and this is how I'm going to do it. So that day after that meeting, I went home and on my way home I wrote that message and I posted it on social media. That was my coming out process. 10 minutes later, it was all over the magazines and all over, just Google it. "Eliecer Marte comes out as gay. He's going to get married next month." So, it was a huge thing.

(26:14):

So, everyone started calling my husband, people that knew my husband. They're like, "Why are you on...They're talking about you on People Magazine. They're talking about you on Mundo, on a bunch of newspapers and stuff." My husband was like, "Let me just turn this off. We are going to go for a walk and let's go have a drink. What is going on?" And I'm like, "Well, this happened." And so that night we didn't answer no one's calls. It was just us talking, and literally we went out to have a couple of drinks. I had two beers. I remember we were just trying to just get it together. That was the coming out process. Did I get a lot of messages? Yes, a lot of negative messages, so many negative messages. But what I got the most [was] people writing to me, "Because of you, I'm not killing myself today. Because of you, I am doing this as well. I thank you for being a voice. Thank you for your message, and thank you for allowing me now to be truthful to who I am and also talk to my family." So even though I got so many negative messages, the messages that I got of others — I don't want to say I was the coming out shield to them, but I did help someone at least feel better about themselves. So that's what I take from that coming out process.

Jaymes Black (27:37):

Absolutely. I mean, this is about one: controlling your own destiny. You wouldn't let the company write the post for you. And we talk a lot about Family Equality, about shifting the narrative and how we are all responsible as LGBTQ+ people of helping this country shift the narrative as it relates to what they feel and how they represent our community. And I want to talk a bit about representation because you won an Emmy and a GLAAD award from our friends over at GLAAD for your coverage on diversity, equity, inclusion, pride, and I want to know, how do you handle discussing LGBTQ+ issues and topics in your reporting? Thinking about...you're a member of the community thinking about representation, and there's still some cultural taboos around these subjects, and how do you balance that?

Eliecer Marte (28:33):

So, for that award in particular, the GLAAD award, I'm going to tell you a story. So that was the first time that at that company that I worked for, they had done an LGBTQ+ series highlighting the LGBTQ+ community. I had pitched something similar two years prior. The person that was in charge of the editorial decisions at that time told me our audience is not ready for that. That was the answer that I got. And I was like, "Okay, so if our audience is not ready for that, this is what we do. We need to help them understand our community, help them understand what diversity looks like." They said they're just not going to get it. Our audience are older Hispanic men and women that are not going to understand what being LGBTQ+ means. I was like...? So that was my answer. So, basically they didn't allow me to do it.

(29:39):

It was not the audience — they don't understand. Two years later, I had a person that came in, another person that was in charge of the newsroom, and I pitched the story. I pitched a series with another colleague of mine and that person said, "Let's go for it." So those that are in power, those that are leaders, especially in companies such as newsrooms where so many things can happen the way you say a story, need to understand that their decisions are not just going to impact the employees that are working in the newsrooms, but the way they make decisions is going to impact the audience overall. It's going to impact whoever's watching that television station. So perhaps the audience was not ready. I believe the audience was ready. I mean, this was in 2017/18 but even if the audience is not ready for something, then that's why we are there to educate, to empower.

(30:51):

So representation is so important in so many ways. And when we won that award, I was so happy, not because of the award itself, but it was a lot of work that we put into it. That's number one. But the series, the stories that we did were so well planned. We really thought of everything about it the way we wrote it. We made sure we were respectful. We made sure we informed. We made sure that people who didn't understand understood what was — anything from voguing, because we touched on so many areas, I've learned so much. I even went to voguing class for the series. I vogue myself. So it was beautiful. I've learned about the history of voguing at the piers in New York City.

(31:41):

The series "Pose" was so big at that time. So we've learned from them, too. It was beautiful. So I mean, I love talking about this because I'm so big into representation. I mean, I guess I'm the check mark for so many things. I am a minority because I'm Dominican, I'm gay, the color of my skin, I speak two languages. I have an accent. So I am embrace representation to the max, I would say, and I want to make sure that those that are in power understand how important it is for these stories to be told.

Jaymes Black (32:19):

Absolutely. And so let's talk about another important representation. A piece of representation is LGBTQ+ people who are parents, and I don't think there's enough of that representation, but let's talk about the greatest joys of our lives, which are the kiddos, our kiddos. And so you and your husband Eric have two adorable children. And so how did you form your family? And then also let's talk about what are some of the joys and challenges of parenthood, because I don't think that we often talk about the challenges or maybe surprises that even as an LGBTQ+ parent that you encounter, and you didn't know it, right? But how did you form your family, though?

Eliecer Marte (33:06):

A quick story. So just before I forget, Cataleya, her - she turned four months, right? So, she got her shots. So, when we were to the doctor's office, and this is one of those moments that, "Oh, okay, it's part of it." So, we are there. Cataleya is Martin-Martinez, right? My last name and Eric's last name. And when the receptionist is calling Cataleya Martin-Martinez. So she's like, "Oh, who's that? Who's mom?" And we're like, "Dad and dad." She's like, "Oh, that's beautiful." But it's obviously it's a norm. It's what they see every day. A mom and a dad or just a dad or just a mom. But that happened to us just two days ago, right?

Jaymes Black (33:55):

I know Tonya's going to kill us, but I don't want to get into another conversation about representation — or actually, I do want to, and maybe we'll talk later — but that's why I think the representation that you're speaking about is so important because it does inform the public. And perhaps if they saw more of us, there were parents, they wouldn't assume that there was a mom and dad that they would just say, who are the parents? And we hear that from families all the time that there's an assumption. And sometimes maybe in New York, places like New York where you are the receptionist or nurse, were like, "Oh, that's beautiful." And other places they're like, "Wait, what? There's two dads or two moms?" That's why I think that seeing more of us as parents can help shift the narrative.

Eliecer Marte (34:35):

That's right. Yeah. So our family, Ethan came through the foster system here in the New Jersey area. Our home is in New Jersey, actually. He came when he was one. He's going to be five at the end of May. He actually came with a sister. His sister was reunified with her biological dad after two and a half years. And Ethan is now in the adoption unit. So Ethan would officially become our child once all this — there's a lot of legal terms there that I cannot get into, but he'll become adopted, God-willing, hopefully within this year, after three years in the foster system. Cataleya was born through international surrogacy. She was born in Columbia. That's where we decided she was going to be born. There were other options or countries to the birth, but inside of Columbia. We love Columbia. That's the reason her name is Cataleya because of the Colombian orchid from Columbia.

(35:37):

And that's how we always know we wanted to be dad from the beginning. And when we were getting married...We got married, ironically, in the Dominican Republic, that was another big issue because the Dominican Republic gay marriage is not accepted. We did a celebration, we did a ceremony, so it wasn't a legal wedding. However, we got a lot of backlash for going there to do that. But it's fine. I am all about going the opposite way of things, I guess the way I am. But when we were there, we were driving towards the area and the wedding planner told us something that it really got to us. She said, "So this is called the placenta bridge." And we're like, "What is the placenta bridge? " She said, "Well, this is a bridge where a lot of kids are dropped off actually with the placenta and everything, a lot of newborns."

(36:34):

And we were like, "What?" She said, "Yes, unfortunately only those that are light-skinned are picked up by people. Those that are darker, they just stay here and just people forget about them." And that's in my country, the Dominican Republic. So when we heard that, we're like, "Okay, this is definitely going to put us into our purpose of helping someone — adopting." So we originally wanted to adopt in the Dominican Republic. Unfortunately, adoption in the Dominican Republic for same-sex couples, it's not possible. So then we went the other route. So we're like, "Who can we help? So, let's help someone from the foster system. "And that's how we started our family, and then eventually through surrogacy. And, we are hopeful that our family will grow a little bit more. We do want another child at some point.

Jaymes Black (37:27):

I love that. So what's the biggest surprise that you've encountered being a parent as you sort of navigate parenthood?

Eliecer Marte (37:37):

Obviously, you can read a lot of books, but it's not going to get you ready for what just — I mean, yes, read, of course, we read so many books, but that's not how it's practiced every day. It's different every day, something new. I mean, the first month was brutal. Cataleya was on the clock every three hours. That was every three hours. It didn't matter if it was daytime, nighttime. I took four months off from work. So that helped us a lot, and I am glad I did. Otherwise I don't think I was going to be able to handle it because we wanted to make sure we were there. We had help from family members, but we said, "No." We wanted to do this at least the first three, four months. We want this to be us. We want us to be everything. So we did that for the first three months.

(38:32):

Then after we had Eric's mom to come for a couple of weeks. Then, my mom came, and she helped. So that — when it comes to challenges through this journey, those are the challenges. The day-of challenges: the first fever, things that you're not ready for. When she's crying, it is like, "Oh, she's crying!" The shots. When you see that, it is like...it hurts. And, I told my husband, I love Cataleya so much. It's that type of love that it - it hurts type of love. It is like, "Oh my God, my fa—

Jaymes Black (39:04):

You can't explain it.

Eliecer Marte (39:06):

I know! It's like "I want to cry" type of "I love you." That's how we love our child, especially Cataleya because she's only four months.

(39:14):

Other challenges, and this is something that even we — Ethan, as he approaches kindergarten, I told my husband that I want to make sure that I'm there for the meetings at school. I want to make sure that when they're teaching about families, they are taught about the different types of families. I want him and her to know that it's not just mom and dad. They could be a dad and a dad. They could be a family that is just a grandmother because your parents died and now the kids are with grandmother. So I told Eric, I'm going to be the one at every PTO and every meeting possible. I want to make sure teachers know that my child is in their classroom, and I want to make sure that they are aware of how important it is that the education they receive involves knowing about being different. So I'm already in that mindset because yes, it is a surprise. I mean even from family members, we get questions such as, "Oh, so whose sperm is it?" Right? Things like that. "So who's the dad?"

Jaymes Black (40:25):

People ask questions that are very invasive, and I guess maybe they're curious, maybe it's the best intentions. But some of those questions are very, very invasive.

Eliecer Marte (40:35):

Yeah, especially our family. I mean, we are very Hispanic, so our families are very traditional Hispanic families. The other day we were at a get together and someone said, "Oh yeah, because they mixed both of the sperms and that's how they created it." We were just like, "Yeah, that's exactly how it happened." So things like that —

Jaymes Black (40:58):

Don't even get into it. Yeah, that's exactly right. But you said something really important about the love that you feel for your daughter, and I believe anyone who's watching this who's a parent can relate. But why I feel that, again, representation — why the work of Family Equality is so important. There are LGBTQ+ people in this country today who want to become parents, and there are barriers preventing them from becoming a parent. And for folks who are watching who may not be LGBTQ+ or do not understand our challenges or wonder, why would we want to become parents? Think about the love that you have for your child. We want to experience that same type of love. And as you're saying, it is unexplainable, the type of love that you have for your kids. And we want to experience that as well, just like any other parent in this country.

Eliecer Marte (41:46):

And I think I have, I would say not a perfect example, but I can tell you this. It's going to sound clicheé, but love is love. That's number one. And because you are LGBTQ+ doesn't make you less of a person to love someone, especially a child. Ethan came from parents whom are heterosexual, and he was abandoned. He was not loved. He was living a really bad life. And I'm glad he came into our home because had he not been placed in our home, who knows what his future would've been like. He could have been dead right now. So he came from parents that are heterosexual, and he didn't get loved there. He was not love there. He came here and to dads that love him so much. He has such a bright future now, and he knows that he's the kin of this home. So I mean, those that are unfortunately have that mentality that because you are LGBTQ+, you cannot be a great mom, a great dad. I'm so sorry, but I can prove you wrong, but just showing you how my kids are and just showing you how much we love our kids.

Jaymes Black (43:09):

And those are the stories that need to be told about — where Ethan, a kid like Ethan came from. And straight parents don't have the same barriers if they want to have a child or foster a child or adopt a child. No barriers, maybe financial barriers if those exist. But there's this world where a lot of times they are - think about LGBTQ+ kids who are being kicked out of their home from their straight parents. And we've met many of them who then are adopted by two dads and two moms, and their life flourishes and their life changes, and we have all this love to give. So I thank you for that, sharing that part of the story, because child welfare is a big piece of our work too. And what we try to impress upon people is that we need to remove the remaining barriers. 13 states still have barriers for our community in terms of fostering and adopting. We need to remove those for kids like Ethan. Period. Thank you for sharing that. So I want to ask you, I know we're kind of getting close to time. I know that you're a person who believes in living authentically. And for anyone who is watching and wants some motivation and support, [do you have] advice on how to live their lives authentically? What advice would you share with them?

Eliecer Marte (44:27):

I think obviously this is a process for everyone that needs to understand that there is nothing more beautiful than just being truthful to who you are. There were so many times in my life that I was not who I am because I wanted to make sure I had a job, because I wanted to make sure someone saw some value in me, whether it was a company, whether it was my supervisor, whether it was a friend, a group. But at the end of the day, you start to realizing that the best thing that you can bring into this world is just being who you are. And there is no one else that can be you. And that's the most beautiful thing. Yes, we talk about authenticity, but being authentic is just living your true self and not having to put a mask on, just cover who you are, depending on where you are or the type of different scenarios where you might find yourself. It's just being you at all times. And I know it takes time. It's different for everyone. But I truly believe that authenticity, it's something that it's practiced on a daily basis. It is just not just being authentic in just one scenario. It's something, it's just you. It's something that you carry. It's something that you breathe. And I would say that the biggest virtue that we have as humans is just being who we are. No one can be a copy of us. And that's just beautiful.

Jaymes Black (46:13):

It is beautiful. And I love that you said that authenticity is a practice. It's something that we work on and have to work on towards every day. So, I've so enjoyed our conversation. Thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate you taking the time out of your very busy schedule and your daddy schedule — which I know is really, really hectic — to talk with us. So before we go, I want to ask you a closing question. The movement for equality obviously hinges not only on fierce honesty, but also on fierce hope. And so what I want to ask you is what's one thing that you're fiercely hoping for in the future? And what's one thing that you'd like to change in the world?

Eliecer Marte (46:54):

If I can change something...and what I'm hopeful for is...that when my kids reach my age — hopefully way sooner — we don't need to have these conversations anymore, that it's okay to be who you are. It's okay for you to love whoever you want to love. I hope that I don't have to have any child deciding whether they want to love a man or a woman because society tells them to. I just hope that they can love someone because they just love someone, period. So that's what I hope, and I hope it doesn't have to be in 37 years from now — because [that's] my age right now, but you know what I mean — hopefully it can be tomorrow or just today.

Jaymes Black (47:35):

Absolutely. Hear, hear. I totally agree with you. Alright, so you are now officially part of the Family Equality family, and I'm so grateful for your time, your visibility, your voice, the representation that you have so bravely offered to our community, and it is my firm belief that true equality can only be achieved if we work together, individuals, businesses, nonprofits, communities, community groups, legislators, it's going to take all of us. And I want to thank you for being part of the journey. And before I let you go, are there any projects that you want to share or talk a bit about your podcast or your book or anything that you want to share with our audience before we go?

Eliecer Marte (48:16):

Well, for those that would like to read, whether they speak Spanish or not, the book is really easy to read. So even if you need Google Translate, you can get Confidencias is available on Amazon, Barnes and Nobles or eliecermarte.com. But next month, in June, I dunno when the podcast comes out. So I dunno if it's going to be next month, this podcast. But, in June, for Pride Month, my podcast, Daddies on Duty — which really goes into how we started our family process and what it is now to be dads — it's going to come out. It's very personal. It's very emotional. It's a beautiful conversation that I convinced my husband to have with me because like I mentioned before, he doesn't like none of this stuff. Actually, he turned out to be a really good person on camera and on the mic. So Daddies on Duty is going to come out next month. So if you can just check it out, I really appreciate it. And just send us a message and I think it's going to be a beautiful project that a lot of people can benefit from.

Jaymes Black (49:24):

Absolutely. And we will ensure that our audience knows when you launch and they can all watch it. Thank you. Thank you to Eric too, and we'll let you get back to the babies. This was so amazing. Thank you.

(49:41):

This has been a Family Equality production. As a leading national organization for current and future LGBTQ+ families, we work to advance equality through advocacy, support, storytelling, and education to ensure that everyone has the freedom to find form and sustain their families. I'm your host, Family Equality's President and CEO, Jaymes Black. Our producers are the Communications Team at Family Equality and our amazing music is designed by Michael Koppelman. Special thanks to Clockwork for supporting this podcast and special thanks to you for listening. The fun doesn't have to stop here. Follow Family Equality on socials @FamilyEquality for up-to-date resources, community events, insights from the movement, and ways to get involved. You can also follow me @TheJaymesBlack on Instagram and TikTok. Remember, this is more than a podcast. It's a platform for change. So rate, subscribe and review this podcast to help us spread the word. As always, you can support Family Equality and the amazing work we're doing on behalf of LGBTQ+ families every day by donating at donate.familyequality.org. You can also reach out to chat more about potential sponsorship opportunities. But for now, I'll catch you next time.